30.06.25

pirates are cool man okay ... ok this is a fat bit of writing

this is an idea i think about a lot, and have been thinking of recently, alongside my all too common ideas of wanting to go Home (a people and place which doesnt exist in the way i refer to it, not yet, not for me) and feeling homesick. i've been in a sorta on and off rut, bit of a bumpy ride that i forget im on for a few long moments until the downward acceleration tightens my chest.
the idea, if you'll bare with me, of how nice being a pirate would be. now look, yes, i know maybe better than quite a few people, with my 3 books on pirates and very normal fixation on them, that being a pirate was hell. of course, the pirates im referring to are from the golden age (mid-1600s to 1725-ish). and their lives were fucking rough.
yes, i know, disease was a real issue, food was shit, scurvy and all that, sleeping wouldnt have been luxurious in any capacity i'll tell u that, days at sea were long and boring, nothing to do but drink apparently, and dont forget the constant danger, of many things, and especially of being caught and hung or shot while trying to fight off some freaks. i know being a pirate was a mess. difficult, harsh. but it was free wasnt it?

imagine. humour me and imagine waking up below deck, in a dark, kinda horrid space where all the crew sleeps, with hammocks and whatever else, and all you can make out are the sillouettes of everyone lying, sleeping. the ship sways and creaks and you walk up top. here, when you look out all you can see is the sea and the sky and the horizon in every direction. a blue sky, salty breeze, humid air. swaying of the ship, creaking of wood, fluttering of sails. you are free. detached from constraints of modern society, because all who live in it see you as a horrid criminal and want you dead and dont really see you as a person so you really have no reason to participate in their convoluted games of morality, you are whoever you are, with no pressure. the looming threat of death is, if anything, freeing. it can be. break as many of their rules as you like, let them view you as corrupt, evil, blasphemous, sinful, criminal. even if they catch you, they cant kill you twice. and you have a crew who you are stuck with and they are stuck with you. life is dangerous. but life is free and in that respect, it is peaceful.

currently i dont live a dangerous life at all. i stress but never because i am in danger, only in danger of like, getting a bad grade or having my parents really have a go at me and leave me spiralling.
but i never stress for my life. i dont even have many arguments, or anything similar. doesnt mean i feel peaceful. like i said, i stress, a lot, i feel stuck sometimes, lonely, and i feel the loneliness is my fault, because really all i need to do is talk to people isnt it. i just dont.
i currently dont feel a sense of belonging most places most of the time. i fear many things, many things that wont kill me (in the literal sense) that dont pose physical harm, that wont leave me bloody and injured, that arent a threat to my survival. but i dont feel peaceful.

if i lived like the bad description of a pirate i wrote, i would be at peace. in that scenario, i could fall into the sea and drown that moment and i wouldn't feel regret or anything. well i would regret falling into the sea. but in that life, i would stress a lot, yeah, but over things that make sense. like, stressing over the navy ship you see on the horizon, or the guy with a gun who might shoot you right now cos he's pissed he lost the bet, or the guy who might just kill you in this bar cos you said something that in hindsight was funny but a terrible, terrible idea. i'd rather stress over that than stress and lose my mind cos i have english coursework to do, or doing a mock exam, or getting a marked question back that i think i did really bad in but honestly im unsure, or i have some approaching deadlines, or some other bullshit. and yea, right, okay, i should be grateful, im fortunate, like really.

but...being a pirate would be nice, don't you think?